“Likable”

I saw a portion of a speech by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (3:45) in which she mentions not worrying about likability, and I was inspired. I’ve found this to be more true than ever in my professional life as well as my personal life – especially as a woman. “Likeable” is a word that we can use to describe so many kinds of people.

“Likeable” is a word that can be used to describe a manager who uses their authority to prey on a subordinate they view as attractive, to get what they want from that person with little threat of recourse, because they hold the power and others’ opinions of their likability. “Likable” is a mask used to make someone seem kind and friendly, when behind their mask they work to manipulate the situation, to stamp out anyone and anything that may paint them in a bad light or surpass them. “Likable” is a term to describe a pedophile, who is so beloved and trusted by friends, family, and neighbors that ever-cautious, diligent, protective parents will allow their most precious people – their children – close to that person. Meanwhile, that person spreads a stain across their child’s life, hidden behind their “likable” nature.

Likeable can be many things; used to describe deeply cruel and unethical people just as much as it can be used to describe kind and ethical people. “Likeable” is the teacher who buys hygiene products, food and clothes for students in need. “Likeable” can be the manager who takes an interest in each team member’s hobbies and personal goals. “Likeable” can be used to describe a lawyer who takes a case at a discount or pro-bono to help protect those who have been harmed by other, less-kind, “likable” individuals.

Some individuals are “likable” because they give all of themselves, without boundaries or limitations, to everyone who needs them-until they whither away to nothing inside and out. “Likeable” can be a person who says yes to everyone; never making anyone feel unwanted, unnoticed, or “too much”, but when asked to choose a side to stand up for others they will say “Not me. I’m staying out of it.”

I don’t want to be “likable”. I want to be the person that good and ethical people come to for advice because they know I am also good and ethical. I want to be hard working. I want to stand up for what is right; to not be afraid to go to battle to protect others or to prevent others from experiencing harms which were done to me. I do not want to be “likable”, I want to be the person bad people hate. I want unethical people to view me as the villain in their lives. I want those who bully, and manipulate others in order to meet their goals, to dislike that I will hold them accountable for their actions.

“Likeable” is a descriptive word for someone’s opinion of you gleaned from how much they can gain or lose based on your existence. It is not a descriptive word for moral code, or how trustworthy someone is. It is a mask that hides cruel and spiteful humans who require likability in order to avoid accountability. If I am likable to someone, just as equally I should be unlikable to someone else. If I base my worth and success on whether I am likable, I may lose the substance of character that makes me strong, ethical, compassionate, and dependable. I don’t want to be “likable”. I want to be respected.