Half-Chance Choices

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What gives you direction in life?
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The choices we make tend to build out the direction we live our lives in. The thing that gives my life the most direction is what factors I take into account when I make choices. Is it kind/compassionate? Am I doing the right thing? Will this put me or my loved ones at risk, or harm anyone? Is this choice necessary in order to meet my goals? Will this choice make me happy, or support long-term happiness? I feel if I make choices based on the things that are most important to me, I’ll end up in the direction I want to be, or that fits me the best.

I feel a lot of people’s choices are half chance, because we don’t get a choice in many of the factors that make up our experiences. We can help offset that by being mindful and deliberate about the choices we make, and I try to do that as much as possible. Of course, sometimes I also just flip a coin!

Try Before Die

~ Olivia Hill ~ 1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
Do you have a quote you live your life by or think of often?
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When I was in high school, I found a quote online:

Anyone desperate enough for suicide should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try. — Richard Bach

When I’m going through a rough time, I try to remember that.

If the options I’m comfortable with are no longer options, I try to reach out and choose one that might be uncomfortable at first, but might solve more problems than it causes. Needing to adjust to a new way of living, new support systems, and new challenges are things that I can learn to overcome. Death isn’t something anyone can come back from; if I’m willing to die, I should be willing to live first.

FOMO

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What makes you nervous?
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As a Spoonie, chronic illness isn’t who I am, but it affects every aspect of my life. My friends and family, career, pets, hobbies, thoughts, wants, and day-to-day are all changed because of the chronic illness I have. This means I miss out on some things that I wish I could do. More than that, I end up looking back on choices I made as a kid and as a healthy individual and think, “I could’ve done so much more, but I thought I had more time”.

I faced the possibility of dying young, at the age of 4, so I’ve always tried to take advantage of life, that’s not new. As a kid, I thought I’d have more time with my body working normally, so I rested more and said no to more things than I would choose to now. When I got sick in 2015, my first thought was how many times I should’ve said yes to an opportunity or invitation. In some ways, I was granted a second chance to experience more of life; I still have a lot of my functionality left, and I’m extremely lucky.

What makes me nervous, is waking up and looking back on my life and realizing I missed a chance to experience something. I try hard each day to make sure I’ve done everything I had the energy to do, but also while resting properly so I don’t lose more of my health. Finding that balance between rest and experience is stressful, and a lot of people with chronic illness deal with it. When I’m resting my body, though, I try to think “I’m resting now, so I can fully enjoy the next moment I have energy for”. Treating recuperation this way helps quiet the nervous ticking of the clock in my head, telling me I could be running out of time. The rest is learning to accept that there are just some things I can no longer do, but there’s still so much out there for me to experience. I’m not really missing out, just taking a different kind of tour of life. I’m always going to be nervous, but if I do my best to experience the present as much as possible I’m sure I’ll have fewer regrets.

Choices Ripple Outward

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.
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I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how each choice we make affects others. There’s tons of literature and films that cover this concept, and I think about it far more often than is probably healthy, but it can be fun too. If you suffer from decision paralysis, it might be a good time to stop reading.

I enjoy a thought experiment, where a scenario is given; the goal is to identify all the possible negative or positive ways a choice or event may affect others, no matter how small. For example, the scenario given might be something unavoidable, like a baby crying through the night keeping their parents awake. Then, you’d brainstorm how that might affect other things. Maybe, the mother wakes up exhausted, she snaps at her husband for asking where his keys are, his mood sours and he goes out to get his morning coffee. At the café, he insults the barista who, in their upset over this, doesn’t notice they’ve forgotten to fully close the lid on a police officer’s cup. The officer spills their coffee, and in their bad mood treats a man stealing food for his family more harshly than he normally would. That man ends up in jail, causing his family to suffer. These scenarios can be brief and generalized, or lengthy and specific.

Once the initial dominos are set, I like to consider how one person might positively affect the situation. Take the scenario you’ve laid out, and add a choice into it that changes everything for the better; one positive action that affects every other. In our current example, that might be that the baby’s grandmother comes to help out with night care, so the parents can sleep. Mom wakes up well rested – helps dad find his keys who is glad to get out on time, feeling supported by his partner. His decides to compliment the barista and pay for the officer’s coffee. The officer had a pleasant morning and his faith in humanity is restored. When he’s asked to cover the theft case, he convinces the shop owner to give the man a job to help pay back the money owed. Charges aren’t filed, and the man starts out on a career path that sets him and his family up for a more secure future.

When I make my own choices, I try to remember that doing something kind for one person might help others, might make more kindness, and might even come back to affect me in some way. Doing something unkind might have a similar, but negative, effect. We all have choices; most times they’re half chance, but I firmly believe that when given the opportunity to make one, the kinder choice creates more good in the world. Our choices ripple outwards and have a larger effect than we might think.

Compliment, Not Creepy

~ Olivia Hill ~ 1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
Describe a random encounter with a stranger that stuck out positively to you.
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The internet is flooded with stories of men who seem like they’re trying to compliment a woman, but end up scaring her instead. It can be frightening to be approached by someone who seems kind at first, but then won’t leave you alone to go about your day. I’ve been on that end of things: herded by a group of men into a corner, to (thankfully) have a key to a building they didn’t expect me to have and get away. That interaction started with a simple compliment from one of them.

You can imagine, after that experience, compliments from men on the street might provoke more caution. I was on my way to class from a parking lot, and a young man approached me who wouldn’t stop staring. Bracing myself, I waited for him to get within comment distance, and he said “Wow, you’re beautiful!” I said thank you and waited for him to stop and expect me to stay and chat. I was pleasantly surprised when he said “I hope you have a great day!” and walked on his way.

It was the first time in my entire life that a random guy had said something kind, and didn’t expect anything from me in return. Where I was treated like a human being by someone who didn’t know me, and not a commodity to be gained. He wanted to say something considerate, without passing on his information or asking for mine, and go about his day. It wasn’t the compliment, it was the way he went about it that was important to me. Feeling like a person and not a conquest is a much better feeling than just feeling beautiful; I’m glad he passed my way that day.

Learning to Try

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.
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As an adult, I’ve learned to follow through with things; as a kid I struggled to stick to one thing and finish it. I took dance classes as a child and quit for other things. I re-started dance classes as a 16 year old – which is a bit older than most students. I decided to audition for our high school’s flag/dance team. Anyone who knew me would have been shocked to find out I’d done that; it was out of character for me.

We’d be doing a boot camp to get us all in shape and learn the skills we needed to audition, so I went for it. A week in, a few girls dropped out, and I’d started to realize I most likely wasn’t skilled or in-shape enough to keep up with the better dancers. I decided to stay and follow through with the process, realizing that either way I was gaining some great dance training and exercise. You can imagine how things turned out: I didn’t make it. Other girls told me that I’d done really well for my experience level, and I was extremely proud of the muscle and flexibility I’d gained during the camp.

More than those things, I’d gained a new perspective on failure and learning. I started to realize that just because I wasn’t going to make the team, that didn’t mean the process wasn’t valuable. I stepped out of my comfort zone and took part in something I’d never done before, and even though I “failed” at the end goal, I gained so many things from the experience that I still use today. Now, deciding whether or not do something, I ask myself: If the only thing I have to lose is time, and experience can be gained, why not do the thing?

For My Health and Self

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Describe a positive thing a family member has done for you.
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There are a lot of ways to become a well-adjusted adult and a lot of ideas of what that might look like. For me, the traits I value that I believe much of society values as well are: respect, responsibility, self-motivation, and compassion. There are others, but my parents helped instill these in me in ways I feel made my life easier, not harder. Specifically, my mother, who consistently taught me about the balance between pushing yourself and resting. In my life, she’s the OG of the “work-life balance”. She respected my autonomy and personal boundaries without fail, and stood up for my freedom to be myself and choose my own life.

I can’t narrow-down what she’s done for me to just one action, but I can give you two major times her positive effect rippled into years of my life. When I was young and still figuring out who I was, and everyone had an opinion on what that should be, and when I was an adult and my condition started to become more extreme and debilitating. Both times, her respect and compassion helped me to grow and build those traits for myself.

When I was younger I was never forced to go to family gatherings, extracurriculars, friend’s houses etc. but was asked to make the choice myself. People may disagree with this, but I think it helped me grow into a better adult because the choices weren’t someone else’s, they were mine. The consequences the arose from those choices were then mine too, and I learned to take responsibility for them. My mother gave me the room I needed to figure out who I was, build confidence in that identity, and to make choices in my life that aligned with that. I knew that if I chose not to visit someone or attend an event I had no one else to blame if I didn’t like the end-result. Not only that, it also meant that every interaction I had was authentic and un-forced. It led to my own self-motivation in the tasks I took up, and a sense of care and integrity towards everything I do. She also taught me about respecting my body too: knowing when I was too ill or exhausted to keep pushing. It’s been a helpful balance that lets me prioritize the things important to me, while knowing when to recuperate for the other important aspects of my life.

In 2015, I was struck with temporary, moderate gastroparesis due to a virus, which meant I was extremely malnourished for an extended period. It also contributed to my pre-existing arrhythmia becoming more severe and chronic, and to the development of a second type of arrhythmia. I was miserable, and bedridden, and at the time we didn’t know what was wrong. Being a cardiac nurse, my mom had seen many patients decondition to the point of requiring even more treatment to get back on their feet. My entire life she’d stressed the need for rest when we were feeling bad; this time she was stressing the need for growth in a safe environment. Every day, we walked while my dad waited at home near the car, in case I passed out or needed driven back home. I truly believe this is why I’m not wheelchair bound today; considering my first nurse in a dysautonomia clinic I was admitted to said, “I didn’t realize you were my patient, you’re the first one I’ve had in years with these issues that isn’t in a wheelchair.” My mom worked hard to show me how to tell for myself when it was important to rest and when it was important to push myself. Every day that I am grateful I can still travel without a wheelchair, eat without a tube, and live without a pace-maker, I have my mother to thank for.

My mother gave me years of her time and compassion; on its own, that’s a hugely positive thing to do for someone. By example, she also taught me to respect others and myself, have compassion, take responsibility for the direction my choices lead me in, and to motivate myself to get work done or to rest when needed. There are so many others in my life who have helped give me those lessons too, but on top of all of those things I have my mother to thank for the amount of physical ability I still have left. She made sure I kept as much of my health as I was able to, and that is the most positive effect I can think to have on someone. Thanks, Mom.

Perspective Over Loss

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment

Describe one positive change you have made in your life.

As most Spoonies will know, chronic health issues often force us to make changes in order to maintain our functionality day-to-day. I’ve consistently adjusted my life to accommodate my disability in what feels like a never ending cycle of loss. When this cycle first started, I grieved a lot for the things I may never do or enjoy again.

Throughout the years, this viewpoint might have crippled my mental health if I hadn’t made one positive change: my perspective. It’s absolutely normal to grieve for the parts of your life and health you’ve lost, but I was interested in changing how I felt about those things. It sounds easy to someone who’s never had to do it, but it can be one of the most difficult aspects of chronic illness to manage.

When I was younger, in the immediate aftermath of 9/11, I’d heard that people late for work that morning, out sick, or otherwise kept from the Trade Center buildings due to unforseen circumstances, survived. This knowledge evolved into the idea that sometimes a moment of loss or negative circumstance can end up being positive in hindsight.

I try to remember that the change and loss I’ve undergone, due to my health or other circumstances, might be the thing that pushed my life in the best direction for me. There are an infinite number of ways to live life, and when I stop fighting the necessary changes I end up in situations better suited to who I am as a person. I can’t imagine another choice I’ve made that has had a more positive effect on me than holding that perspective.

Daily Movement as Exercise

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s the most fun way to exercise?
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If you could bring Hippocrates to our modern time, you’d end up explaining that we’ve become more fast paced while also becoming more sedentary. He was said to be an enthusiast of proper exercise and considered it the key to health; he might balk at the idea that, in this age of modern medicine, we’ve created a new health crisis in an effort to coordinate our lives with the least effort possible. I can imagine him saying (in perfect English, of course, because I don’t know ancient Greek) “you have medicines to quickly fight fevers, but you’ve forgotten how to move enough each day?”

In his time, Hippocrates and his constituents used lifestyle medicine to aid in healing from various diseases. For me, I think it’s important to remember that we have all the tools we need to exercise with us, each day, at every moment. Calisthenic work, or using just your own body weight to exercise, is my favorite form of exercise. It can also be the most fun because it can take so many different forms; using small changes in your lifestyle to incorporate it into your day with little disruption.

If you’re anything like me, the idea of taking out an hour or more to do only exercise feels like time you can’t afford to lose, even on something as important as your fitness. Maybe you have kids, or are the primary caretaker of a disabled adult, or have to use your limited energy (hi, fellow Spoonies!) on the most important tasks which leaves little time for focused exercise. Calisthenics can be worked into your daily chores/routine and provide the right amount of exercise for your health.

Sitting up with strong posture, pumping your legs up and down while you sit, fidgeting, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, dancing while you cook, clean, or do other standing tasks are all ways to fill your day with movement. Most of these ways blend in with your tasks in an enjoyable way and might even become second nature. Incorporating them into your moments of fun, such as playing video games, reading, or working on a hobby, creates a fun and ever-changing source of exercise. What you choose to do is limited only by your imagination and physical ability. Make Hippocrates proud by adding more movement to your daily life and have fun doing it.

Experiencing “The Shining” Through Life

~ Olivia Hill ~ 3 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What book could you read over and over again?
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An enjoyable book doesn’t need to meet any criteria other than to bring the reader entertainment. Stephen King’s The Shining does that for me, and more. His character development and relatability is renowned and I’ve found experiencing their lives vicariously is enjoyable and changes as I get older.

As a teen, and someone with very little experience in caring for others or complex responsibilities outside of my role as a daughter, I enjoyed Danny’s perspective the most. His entire world is his parents, and his navigation through the book repeatedly comes back to them, even when interacting with others. All he cares about is being safe, and protecting his family in his own way. The detail King writes on Danny’s thought process feels similar to how a child who has experienced some level of trauma would think. As someone who developed PTSD quite early in life, it was something relatable for me right from the start. I could read the book over and over simply because of Danny’s perspective.

As I grew, my interests in the book did as well. Reading it again teaches me new things about myself, and reminds me that my world view is constantly shifting with my experiences. Growing meant I understood Jack and Wendy better – The pressure Jack feels to provide and cope with his own failings, and the care and concern Wendy feels as a wife and mother. I don’t know a single adult that hasn’t had a moment when their own flaws have either directly or indirectly harmed a loved one, and Jack spends the entirety of the book wrestling with his personal demons. Wendy spends much of the book wrestling with Jack’s demons, too. I can relate to both, as I think many can, of being and of witnessing a loved one who deals with overcoming personal flaws.

Growing older still, I began to appreciate Mr. Halloran and even the manager Stuart Ullman, with renewed interest. Mr. Halloran is lovable for so many reasons, but especially with his self-sacrifice. He put himself at risk to save a family he barely knew, and to protect a little boy he understood was vulnerable to the hotel’s particular forces. His capacity for love and caring is something to be adored and it’s always a joy to read. Frequent readers aren’t unfamiliar with the idea that characters in books can bring us hope that the real people in our lives might share some of those positive qualities. Dick Halloran, to me, is a representation of the hope we all bring with us into dark times. Stuart Ullman isn’t that so much, but rather a good example of what others appear to us when their viewpoints may be distant from our own. Mr. Ullman cares about his job, and the hotel, and protects it the way Wendy protects her son. He’s not a villain so much as a man whose priorities are at odds with Jack Torrance’s. He’s leery of the man whose personal history isn’t exactly overflowing with proud moments and who seems similar to the previous caretaker, whose end wasn’t so proud either. I’m sure I’ve been the villain in someone else’s life even when I was doing my best to do the right thing for everyone; I can empathize with Mr. Ullman and his concerns.

I’m excited to read the book throughout the years. Gaining more from the characters as my life experience develops, and appreciating the book in different ways than before. A good book is something that provides entertainment, and sometimes that requires showing us something new each time it’s content is consumed. I look forward to being entertained by a new aspect and the old ones alike, the next time I read.