Tag: Life

FOMO

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What makes you nervous?
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As a Spoonie, chronic illness isn’t who I am, but it affects every aspect of my life. My friends and family, career, pets, hobbies, thoughts, wants, and day-to-day are all changed because of the chronic illness I have. This means I miss out on some things that I wish I could do. More than that, I end up looking back on choices I made as a kid and as a healthy individual and think, “I could’ve done so much more, but I thought I had more time”.

I faced the possibility of dying young, at the age of 4, so I’ve always tried to take advantage of life, that’s not new. As a kid, I thought I’d have more time with my body working normally, so I rested more and said no to more things than I would choose to now. When I got sick in 2015, my first thought was how many times I should’ve said yes to an opportunity or invitation. In some ways, I was granted a second chance to experience more of life; I still have a lot of my functionality left, and I’m extremely lucky.

What makes me nervous, is waking up and looking back on my life and realizing I missed a chance to experience something. I try hard each day to make sure I’ve done everything I had the energy to do, but also while resting properly so I don’t lose more of my health. Finding that balance between rest and experience is stressful, and a lot of people with chronic illness deal with it. When I’m resting my body, though, I try to think “I’m resting now, so I can fully enjoy the next moment I have energy for”. Treating recuperation this way helps quiet the nervous ticking of the clock in my head, telling me I could be running out of time. The rest is learning to accept that there are just some things I can no longer do, but there’s still so much out there for me to experience. I’m not really missing out, just taking a different kind of tour of life. I’m always going to be nervous, but if I do my best to experience the present as much as possible I’m sure I’ll have fewer regrets.

Choices Ripple Outward

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.
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I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how each choice we make affects others. There’s tons of literature and films that cover this concept, and I think about it far more often than is probably healthy, but it can be fun too. If you suffer from decision paralysis, it might be a good time to stop reading.

I enjoy a thought experiment, where a scenario is given; the goal is to identify all the possible negative or positive ways a choice or event may affect others, no matter how small. For example, the scenario given might be something unavoidable, like a baby crying through the night keeping their parents awake. Then, you’d brainstorm how that might affect other things. Maybe, the mother wakes up exhausted, she snaps at her husband for asking where his keys are, his mood sours and he goes out to get his morning coffee. At the café, he insults the barista who, in their upset over this, doesn’t notice they’ve forgotten to fully close the lid on a police officer’s cup. The officer spills their coffee, and in their bad mood treats a man stealing food for his family more harshly than he normally would. That man ends up in jail, causing his family to suffer. These scenarios can be brief and generalized, or lengthy and specific.

Once the initial dominos are set, I like to consider how one person might positively affect the situation. Take the scenario you’ve laid out, and add a choice into it that changes everything for the better; one positive action that affects every other. In our current example, that might be that the baby’s grandmother comes to help out with night care, so the parents can sleep. Mom wakes up well rested – helps dad find his keys who is glad to get out on time, feeling supported by his partner. His decides to compliment the barista and pay for the officer’s coffee. The officer had a pleasant morning and his faith in humanity is restored. When he’s asked to cover the theft case, he convinces the shop owner to give the man a job to help pay back the money owed. Charges aren’t filed, and the man starts out on a career path that sets him and his family up for a more secure future.

When I make my own choices, I try to remember that doing something kind for one person might help others, might make more kindness, and might even come back to affect me in some way. Doing something unkind might have a similar, but negative, effect. We all have choices; most times they’re half chance, but I firmly believe that when given the opportunity to make one, the kinder choice creates more good in the world. Our choices ripple outwards and have a larger effect than we might think.

Compliment, Not Creepy

~ Olivia Hill ~ 1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
Describe a random encounter with a stranger that stuck out positively to you.
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The internet is flooded with stories of men who seem like they’re trying to compliment a woman, but end up scaring her instead. It can be frightening to be approached by someone who seems kind at first, but then won’t leave you alone to go about your day. I’ve been on that end of things: herded by a group of men into a corner, to (thankfully) have a key to a building they didn’t expect me to have and get away. That interaction started with a simple compliment from one of them.

You can imagine, after that experience, compliments from men on the street might provoke more caution. I was on my way to class from a parking lot, and a young man approached me who wouldn’t stop staring. Bracing myself, I waited for him to get within comment distance, and he said “Wow, you’re beautiful!” I said thank you and waited for him to stop and expect me to stay and chat. I was pleasantly surprised when he said “I hope you have a great day!” and walked on his way.

It was the first time in my entire life that a random guy had said something kind, and didn’t expect anything from me in return. Where I was treated like a human being by someone who didn’t know me, and not a commodity to be gained. He wanted to say something considerate, without passing on his information or asking for mine, and go about his day. It wasn’t the compliment, it was the way he went about it that was important to me. Feeling like a person and not a conquest is a much better feeling than just feeling beautiful; I’m glad he passed my way that day.

Perspective Over Loss

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment

Describe one positive change you have made in your life.

As most Spoonies will know, chronic health issues often force us to make changes in order to maintain our functionality day-to-day. I’ve consistently adjusted my life to accommodate my disability in what feels like a never ending cycle of loss. When this cycle first started, I grieved a lot for the things I may never do or enjoy again.

Throughout the years, this viewpoint might have crippled my mental health if I hadn’t made one positive change: my perspective. It’s absolutely normal to grieve for the parts of your life and health you’ve lost, but I was interested in changing how I felt about those things. It sounds easy to someone who’s never had to do it, but it can be one of the most difficult aspects of chronic illness to manage.

When I was younger, in the immediate aftermath of 9/11, I’d heard that people late for work that morning, out sick, or otherwise kept from the Trade Center buildings due to unforseen circumstances, survived. This knowledge evolved into the idea that sometimes a moment of loss or negative circumstance can end up being positive in hindsight.

I try to remember that the change and loss I’ve undergone, due to my health or other circumstances, might be the thing that pushed my life in the best direction for me. There are an infinite number of ways to live life, and when I stop fighting the necessary changes I end up in situations better suited to who I am as a person. I can’t imagine another choice I’ve made that has had a more positive effect on me than holding that perspective.

All The Difference

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a while since I’ve written any blog posts. I’ve taken a bit of a hiatus because I’ve spent the time focusing on my health and personal growth. After writing in the past on New Year’s “resolutions”, it feels right to build on my standpoint of constant growth by explaining the progress I’ve made over the years. Here are some things I’ve learned to do in my personal and professional life, and some things I know to do that I haven’t quite mastered yet:

The Obvious:

Do your best

Every day, even when I’m feeling tired or jaded, I try to give my best work to the tasks I do. It applies to my personal and professional life. This isn’t just about doing your best with the task at hand, it’s also about setting yourself up for success with the next tasks. It’s a simple directive, but easy to deeply over analyze if you want to. Do your task; but also grow well, plan well, learn well, and maintain balance well.

I’m still working on this one. The reason why is because I’ve learned a lot about myself – how my mind works best, and how I learn best – and I’ve been learning how to adjust my lifestyle, schedule, and support system to make the most of it. For me, personally, I want to work through my own differences between how I function best and how the world/economic systems work, instead of treating those differences like immovable obstacles. Part of doing my best is believing that there’s always a way to improve on my performance, to adapt to difficulties, and to find collaborators who will work with, and make the most of, my own style of thinking instead of against it.

Be honest, but not blunt – unless you need to be

In my experience there is always a more diplomatic way to convey information. Being blunt, and in some cases aggressive, should be reserved for times when the other party chooses to use your polite honesty as a way to ignore what was said completely – and only when the matter is important enough to risk potentially burning bridges. Choosing your battles is as much a part of this process as choosing your words.

Sharing your opinions in an honest but respectful way, can do wonders in cultivating needed change. However, sometimes others do not care about your opinions. Bluntness can oftentimes help convey your own convictions and boundaries, rather than persuade others to change theirs. That has value, as long as you’re also open to the idea you may be wrong.

This is why I always choose polite honesty first, because there’s always a possibility the other party has information that could change my mind. Maybe their critique of me or their expression of their own convictions and boundaries could persuade me to see things differently. Part of honesty is being honest with yourself, and open to other’s bluntness with you when it’s called for.

Prioritize

No mystery with this one. Getting lost in “side quests” can cost you your goals.

This is one I work on every day. Some of the ways I try to do it well are:

  • Write down the day’s goals, and which tasks need to be done to get you there
  • Make a schedule, and do your best to stick as closely to it as possible
  • Be flexible. Shit happens; and sometimes we’ve got to pivot and adapt. Getting good at that has helped me more than any other skill I have. I can still improve on it too.
  • Remember that anything worth doing, is worth doing halfway. I only have so much time to get things done, sometimes a time limit forces a sacrifice of quality.

The Not-So-Obvious:

The jar of rocks, pebbles, and sand can be improved on – carefully

Many professionals have heard the analogy of the empty jar that needs to be filled with rocks, pebbles, and sand. If you wanted to fill it as full as possible you could start with rocks, then pebbles, then sand. That’s how it’s supposed to go, anyway; but something about that answer has always bothered me.

Maybe it’s because that analogy has been used to convince me to ignore tasks I viewed as a priority. I’d argue it’s more because logically I think it’s a phenomenal analogy that gets told in a way that short-changes managers, employees, and goal-setters. If you really wanted to fill the jar, the best way to do it would be to put a few rocks down, fill the gaps with pebbles, pack that with sand, then repeat the layers. Each day has one to a few large tasks, then there are smaller ones that help fill in the gaps.

I firmly believe that if we put off the small tasks simply because they’re small, we’ll be left with large gaps in our potential and performance. Learning to understand the careful balance between large and small tasks is the best way to make the most of our time and ability. We don’t fill the jar up right away with large stones, we do it in parts and layers.

An example of how I do this is with my email. Let’s say I have a particularly hectic day, and I only have time to read the most important emails and handle them. There will come a time when the tiny emails (the sand), like spam or ads, will need to be sorted and removed, or my email storage will get filled very fast. The mid-priority emails (the pebbles), will eventually need to be responded to and handled or coworkers/friends/family may become upset or lose valuable productive time due to my delay. Instead of pushing off the sand and pebbles until my inbox is full-up or someone loses their patience with me, I take care of them every single day as long as I have time. Most days, I take care of the big emails a little bit, then handle some sand & pebble emails, then I go back and do more stone-sized emails. The jar gets packed as full as possible and my email stays well organized. I used to have the tendency to only focus on stones until the inbox storage was full, and then I lost long days on fixing it and robbed myself of easily obtained mental peace. Filling the jar in layers without losing focus has done me a lot of good for numerous endeavors.

Small bites

I read somewhere that the best way people learn is by learning in very small chunks at a time. 15 min each day, instead of 8 hours + once a week is the quickest way to solidify learning, for example. I try to apply this “small bite” concept to everything from my own lessons, to how I communicate with people.

I’m an over-explainer. I know this, and I know it needs to change. Many people can’t handle too much new information, and instead of helping them understand my perspective I end up overwhelming them, or worse, exhausting them. This is one I’m constantly working on; even while writing this.

As for learning, I try to do small 5-15 minute lessons each day in a topic I’m interested in, for a total of no more than an hour. I’ve learned a lot this way. Tasks can be done this way too as long as they don’t have an upcoming deadline.

Learn your audience

Some people will be details people, some people won’t be. Some people will care about you as a person, and why you do the things you do, and some won’t. Some people will want to know all the possibilities, and some will only want to know the most probable.

I’m still working on learning to gauge what the other person cares about in a conversation. In my professional life, this skill has become increasingly vital to success. One of my goals this year is to become better at succinct communication, and having the patience and wisdom to know that if someone wants details, they’ll ask. In my private life, this means recognizing that if someone doesn’t care enough to ever ask for details, then it may be time to move on and find the people who do care.

The Cynical:

Not everyone cares as much as you might

Professionally, I have the main things I care about: pride in my work, my coworker’s morale and well-being, and the future success of my employer. Personally I have a lot of passions that range in importance. Sometimes it’s hard to know that not everyone cares about the big things as much as I do. On the flip-side, I’m sure I’ve put someone else in that position about their own passions. I can’t change others, I can only change myself and how I respond to things, and focusing on that self-growth has provided me with a lot of peace.

Being skilled, or prepared, sometimes isn’t enough

Life happens. Murphy’s law sometimes wins the day. Everyone has room to grow and learn, and so even someone who has prepared and practiced will eventually meet their match in a situation. Instead of beating myself up about my failures, I try to treat each one as a learning opportunity. Spending my energy learning and growing is a much better use of it, than to spend it having remorse for my failures or bad luck.

Leaders don’t always lead well

Most people have had a moment where a teacher, parent, manager, or other person of authority seemed to make a bad or harmful choice. Not everyone who has responsibilities, or a position of power, is going to be immediately good at it. I’ve learned it’s best to focus on trying to help others grow in their positions than removing them from them. Speaking your mind honestly (as described above) can play a big part in this.

A good example of this is an experience I had with a phlebotomist who removed a needle incorrectly, and gave me a large hematoma. My mother is a nurse who has a talent for safely and painlessly doing that type of work, so I knew the phlebotomist had made a mistake. When I called to report it, I made it clear I just wanted her retrained to prevent other patients from experiencing the same thing. That was back in 2014; I’m pleased to say that she’s still working there today in 2023 and is one of the best phlebotomists at the location. A mistake made is valuable experience that builds an expert. If we constantly force people to start fresh, we’ll always have beginners.

The Hopeful:

Everyone wants to be heard

One of the most basic human wants is to be heard and understood. It’s what drives our relationships and vital connections with one another. It’s a good thing to remember, personally and professionally.

I try to be a good listener in every interaction; and I could stand to improve as a listener. I think if we all listened more it would make us better professionals, better partners, better friends and family members. We can learn a lot from one another if we’re listening, and when we’re equally listened to we gain valuable contributions to our mental health and sometimes build important relationships.

If people know they’re making a difference, they keep doing it

This point isn’t about the people who don’t care; we can’t change them. This point is for the people who care, but have never been made aware of the difference they’re making. I’ve learned that if I want to feel motivated, learning more about why someone’s asked me to complete a task helps me do that. Knowing how I’m contributing to the big picture is a major factor in whether I perform a task well.

I try to take this with me when I write notes or advice for coworkers, or when I take a mentorship role in my personal life. Feeling like they have a purpose often provides enough motivation for someone to complete a task. Additionally, sometimes people just really need the “why”, otherwise it feels like busy-work, or a pointless task.

One person can make a difference

I know this is true because one person made a difference for me. Years ago I was doing very badly at my first university; I was dealing with a mental health crisis and didn’t yet understand the importance of asking for help. I struggled alone by staying at home, missing classes, dropping friendships, and eating only once a week, at the same restaurant. The crew at that hour knew me, and it was clear by looking at me that I wasn’t doing well, but I was always there on Wednesdays. For two months I stopped going, I was reaching the point where existing just didn’t seem worth it, and I stepped out for one more day to go eat at my favorite place. I got in line and the usual girl yelled “You’re okay!!! We were so worried about you when you stopped coming in.” It took everything I had not to burst into tears at the counter. That one girl saved my life; and she didn’t even know it. Because of her, everything I’ve done from that point on has been possible. If my actions have an effect on anything, it can be attributed to her kindness.

One person, one moment, one small action can make all the difference in a million different ways, for a million different people. Ripples outward that affect other things, and so on. I spend every day trying to remember how important that one stranger was to me, so that I remember to be kind, say the nice things when I have a chance, and to do my best in everything I do. It does make a difference.

Happy New Year. I hope you’ll make the most of it.

Perspective, Reality, and Happiness

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment

When I was young I went through some traumas that shaped how I viewed and moved through the world. I spent a good amount of my childhood reading non-fiction, daydreaming, and immersing myself into any imaginative activities that allowed me to escape how I was feeling and what was going on in my life. This is normal for kids, and usually isn’t an issue. I don’t think it was an issue for me either, but because my brain had me focusing on surviving through my problems, I lost some of the growth a lot of young kids, teens, and young adults gain.

Outwardly, I know I’ve grown a lot when it comes to friendships and social interactions. I’m more confident, I don’t shy away from certain experiences and activities anymore. I’ve learned to listen more, and to reciprocate in friendships in a way that I was horrible at as a teen and young adult. I still have a lot of growing to do when it comes to interactions with people. I could probably write an entire article on all the ways my PTSD affects my relationships with others, how hard I’ve worked to overcome that, and how much more work I have ahead of me. I’m aware of the growth in that respect because it makes itself visible through a kind of “return” in life: more friendships, better conversations, a general sense that my interactions were more positive.

The part of my own growth that I didn’t realize until recently, was more internal. The results were less visible and the effect on my life wasn’t as apparent to me:

Perspective.

Those childhood daydreams I had were often about fantastical scenarios: super powers, saving the world, having an easier life, meeting hobbits, battling orcs, living the lives of my favorite characters from all kinds of different media. I immersed myself in fantasy because facing my own life was something I wasn’t ready for. Facing my own faults and traumas was difficult, and imagining a world where flying on broomsticks didn’t exist just didn’t seem as fun. My perspective was focused on unrealistic goals and stories because I didn’t think improving my own life was as possible. It felt like I had to wait for help, or a miracle, or someone to hand me an opportunity.

I was, actually, handed a lot of opportunities and I passed them by. I wasn’t ready and they often involved interacting with people in ways that I just didn’t know how to do yet. I needed to grow more. Instead of recognizing that my lost opportunities were, in fact, my fault, my young mind framed it in a way that made it feel less like my fault and more like random chance or circumstance, or someone else’s fault. My perspective was coming from a less developed place; that’s okay. Everyone learns and grows at their own pace, and you cannot do things you’re not ready to do without it causing more issues later on. I try not to beat myself up about the things I caused myself to miss out on.

As I’ve gotten older, my daydreams and interests have become more focused in realistic goals. Does this mean I never fantasize about flying on a dragon, or helping a wizard with a quest? No. Enjoying non-fiction is a great hobby, and everyone deserves time to relax and unwind once in a while. But I also do something I learned from a very wise friend a long time ago: chase discomfort. I look for things I can change, and if I have to be uncomfortable while I change them, that’s okay. In fact, it’s how we grow. If we’re always comfortable, our bodies and our minds never learn how to adjust to new things, new problems, new stimuli. We also generally learn to take the comfortable for granted; you need both comfort and discomfort to appreciate both the good and the bad things in life.

My daydreams now focus on the things I want to achieve: things that now feel within my reach. Things that would make me happy, and that don’t need to be some fantastical scenario involving magic, miracles, or princes who save me from the bad things in my life. I can tackle the bad things on my own, or with the help of people who care for me.

Instead of flying on broomsticks, I want to learn to do a backflip or a b-twist. Instead of swimming with mermaids or sliding down ice hills with magical penguins, I want to learn to hold my breath for 5 minutes or more, or spend 2 minutes or more in an ice bath as I practice the Wim Hof Method. Instead of having fairy godmothers make me new clothes that fit well and never get dirty, I want to learn to design and sew my own clothes. Instead of riding in the TARDIS with The Doctor and automatically having languages translated for me, I want to spend the time and energy learning 8+ languages so that I can meet people from all-over and make my own adventures.

I no longer focus on the destination or the results. Half the fun in life, and all of the experience, come from the journey of reaching goals. I love the days I take cold showers, or do breath-work. I adore sitting down to solve a difficult problem or try something a bit more physically challenging. This change in perspective has made me happier. It’s so much easier to look at my life feeling grateful for the good things, and accepting the bad ones. I no longer question “why did this happen to me?” and instead I ask “How can I make it better, or learn to live with it?”. It’s no longer “How can I survive?” but “How can I thrive?”

Being physically ill, and having to focus on survival, probably had a lot to do with this change in perspective. When you have to accept that your life might not be as long as you thought, and that time is out of your control, you also start thinking about all the things you’d miss; surprisingly, the bad things are there too. You learn this in therapy as well; especially when you’re learning to heal with PTSD. Learning to accept the bad things is part of the process. Learning to notice the great things is too. All of life, is what makes it life – pain and pleasure both. I will continue to chase discomfort and grow.

Forgiveness

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment

Lately, part of my communication with the chronic illness community has covered some territory that the broader, more healthy, community doesn’t normally consider. For example, if one woman in a particular group I am a part of said she had multiple physical ailments that limited her ability to move and function, most healthy individuals might think about all the ways that would be physically limiting for her.

You might cite her inability to go out, or get herself out of bed, or bathe, eat, go to work etc. You might imagine she has nurses/aides, special medical equipment, and various medications. You might think about the ways jobs or other groups would need to help accommodate her so that she could participate. After all of that, many people unfamiliar with the Spoonies community might think they’d covered all the struggles of having physical illness that requires assistance.

So, you might be surprised to find out that the people meant to help her have harmed her. This woman told us a story about her medical aides who had stolen from her, physically harmed her, and mentally abused her for months before someone in a position to do something about it was alerted to the problem. That meant months of trauma she had to endure. While trauma is a worthy topic, I’d prefer to talk about forgiveness.

First, the definition of forgiveness is as follows based on The Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary:

1 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

When people talk about forgiveness, many times it’s said from a perspective of victim blame (even if they don’t mean to): “How can you move on if you don’t forgive?” Then there’s the phrase an acquaintance of mine got recently: ” If you don’t forgive them, how can others forgive you for your mistakes?” These are both pretty problematic; the first needs to be framed in a non-harmful way, and the second is just harmful.

“How can you move on if you don’t forgive?”

  1. For some, forgiveness means going back and trusting their attacker/abuser. This can feel like a phrase that invalidates the pain that person inflicted.
  2. When dealing with PTSD most people have a hard time even thinking about their attacker, let alone focusing on the event long enough to let go of their animosity for that person.
  3. Sometimes animosity can be a good thing. Too much can be toxic, but a lot of people use their negative feelings towards an attacker/abuser to push themselves to be healthier, go after opportunities, be themselves, or move on in their lives without having to let go of the feeling that their trauma was horrible.

To frame it differently, I think most people’s intention with this one is to say “you can’t be free from it until you stop letting it bog you down”. Most people don’t literally mean “forgive and forget” (some do); but unfortunately, how the word forgiveness is evaluated is usually based on what you learn as a kid. “Give them a hug, shake hands, and be friends again.”

It’s also extremely difficult without active treatment, or similarly based resources, to mitigate the body’s response to trauma triggers. Your Amygdala is the brain part responsible for fear and conditioning, and when it comes to trauma it’s pretty stubborn. This is humanity’s greatest survival method, but it can also be a hindrance. Asking someone with PTSD or C-PTSD to stop having the reaction or feeling they do about a certain person is like asking someone with motion sickness to stop vomiting after riding the tea-cup ride at Disney World; it’s an automatic response their brain and body have.

“If you don’t forgive them, how can others forgive your mistakes?”

I generally try to reserve severe judgement on this blog; my goal is to provide a place for everyone to gain insight into their own lives or learn something new, or just be distracted for a while. However, for this phrase I’ve got pretty strong feelings. Here they are:

This is toxic as heck. It’s hurtful, it’s gaslighting, and it’s victim blaming/shaming. There is nothing good about this phrase. It isn’t helpful and it actually teaches people to accept abusive situations.

I’ll break all of that down :

  1. It’s gaslighting.
    • To learn about gaslighting in all its forms, checkout this article.
    • This form of gaslighting is a more subtle version of trivializing:

Trivializing: This occurs when a person belittles or disregards the other person’s feelings. They may accuse them of being too sensitive or of overreacting when they have valid concerns and feelings.

What is gaslighting? Examples and how to respond. (2020). Retrieved February 04, 2021, from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/gaslighting#gaslighting-examples

This is trivializing because it implies that the victim is simply being too sensitive about the situation. That it should be simple to let an action, like the one their attacker/abuser took, go, and simply forgive them for the pain they caused. It implies that their own actions, even if they never caused severe physical or mental harm to someone, are equal to that of a physical or mental abuser.

2. It’s victim blaming/shaming.

There’s a common cycle in abusive relationships where the abuser harms the victim, apologizes, the victim forgives/forgets believing the abuser won’t do it again, and then things go back to normal and the abuser fails to address their issues. They don’t go to therapy. They don’t stop harming the victim. They don’t change. But time and time again the victim will forgive them and remain in the relationship because of this “forgiveness narrative”. Because someone told them that if they couldn’t forgive their abuser, then they also don’t deserve to be forgiven.

Now, this statement might make sense, if the two people have done the exact same thing to harm the other. The part where this gets convoluted is when the victim’s “negative actions”, are lacking in the severity of the abusers. They start to believe that if they can’t forgive their spouse/friend/sibling/parent of the physical or mental harm they’ve done to them, then that person won’t forgive them for the things they believe are just as bad. These things vary because they tend to revolve around what their abuser believes is incorrect or flawed; it could range from spilling some food on the floor, to simply smiling at the wrong time.

By telling someone that no one will forgive them if they don’t forgive others, or that “everyone deserves forgiveness”; you’re quite possibly framing abuse in an “it’s okay as long as they seem sorry” way even without meaning to.

3. It makes the victim feel like they were put through their own trauma because they just couldn’t be kind/forgiving enough, or because they’d hurt the other person in the past.

This goes along with point 2; if someone continues to be hurt out of spite or anger for some small thing they did, this narrative can make it seem like that’s only happening because they aren’t really letting go of the past. They can’t stop flinching when around their partner, so that makes their partner angry. They feel anxious when their partner is home so they can’t focus on the cooking and burn the food. I could go on and on, but the point is while this “forgiveness narrative” can be helpful for some if the thing they need to forgive is small or the other person is truly regretful and is taking steps to get help/make amends, but for abuse victims or survivors this narrative is harmful and toxic.

4. It teaches people to accept abusive situations.

Being told that maybe someone hasn’t forgiven you because you haven’t forgiven them is a harsh narrative for victims of abuse. It implies that the yelling or hitting they’ve dealt with is simply a cycle based on their lack of forgiveness. That if they can forgive their abuser for the harm they’ve caused, then their abuser will forgive the infraction caused by some minor inconvenience (such as burning dinner) and stop being abusive.

This thought process can cause someone to continuously forgive and stay in an abusive situation simply because the other person says they’re sorry, or because they blame the situation on the victim’s inability to complete tasks the way they want (more gaslighting). Fixing a situation and getting real forgiveness starts with the person who caused real harm going out and addressing the issues that made them harm in the first place. Therapy is usually a pretty good start, but just because you go to therapy and try your hardest doesn’t mean the other person has to forgive you.

No one owes you forgiveness. You don’t owe anyone else forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t like consent, it doesn’t have to go both ways and it’s not required. Looking for someone to forgive you because you’re struggling with your own guilt over your own actions, is a personal issue, not an issue for the person you hurt. Forgiveness is a feeling, not a choice. You either feel like the situation is resolved and you can trust that person again, or you don’t. You can accept an apology and still not forgive someone for their actions. If you don’t feel less resentful of what that person has done to you, that’s not something that will change over night.

When you use these two statements, even if you have the best intentions, especially on a broad platform like a public Facebook page, blog, YouTube channel, or in a seminar you might teach in, you never know what your listeners have been through. Many Spoonies are Spoonies because they’ve gone through some kind of mental or physical trauma, or some have gone through those things as a result of being disabled. This community is filled with people who hear these phrases as invalidating and harmful.

Letting go of a situation is not the same as forgiveness. Getting out of a situation is not the same as forgiveness. Ceasing to allow an abuser to continue abusing you is not the same as forgiveness. Not pursuing revenge/retaliating against someone who harmed you is not the same as forgiveness. Always make amends properly by getting help and stopping hurtful cycles. Always allow yourself to take steps to become more free from a past trauma. Being healthy and happy after a trauma does not always mean you must forgive the person who traumatized you; and it does not mean you aren’t worthy of your own forgiveness when it does come to you.

Same Me, Same Goals, New Methods

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment

Last Year I wrote about how each day is a great time to pursue self improvement. I still feel that way, and given the less than joyous political and social climate we had in the US this year, maybe even more so.

Every New Years Day for me is a day to assess what I’ve done, and come up with a plan for making it better. Most people can do this pretty effectively. The tricky part is continuing that self-help momentum into February and beyond. I struggle with it as much as the next person but I’ve learned some tips that might help someone else too.

The first week of the new year is when I write the page numbers, goal pages (daily & yearly/lifetime), and date sections for each day of the year, in a fresh notebook. This planner has become my lifeline to keeping on track (read about it here) and is part of three notebooks I use daily.

The second notebook I use is a journal for tracking what happened the day before. Most people who have gotten to know me over the years know I have a slightly bad long term memory and this helps me keep track of important dates such as when I graduated, had major medical procedures done, changed jobs/schools etc. It’s also a good mental health care routine to have to process stress and monitor health trends. For example, if a doctor wants to know how long my symptoms have lasted, or when I first noticed something, I can usually look back and find it there. I’d recommend this to anyone preparing for an appointment, especially since in the US right now the waiting times are much longer, and you’re more likely to go through health changes (or attempt to home treat) before your appointment actually comes around.

The third notebook is another kind of health tracker. Before last year I rarely drank soda, and I was so busy all day that the extra sugars didn’t affect me much. Since changing from a job where I was on my feet constantly to a completely sedentary one I’ve also drank more soda than ever. I gained some weight and started seeing some negative effects on my heart and overall health; this plus the fact that T2 Diabetes runs in both sides of my family encouraged me to lower my intake. Since I’m a believer in enjoying the little things in moderation, this journal lets me essentially do a sticker chart (yep, more stickers!). I made a spiral chart, and every 5 stickers I can have a soda, and after about 70 stickers I get a Redbull (I found out having one and drinking it slowly with water actually doesn’t bother my heart too badly; that’s serious progress!).

The goal, is to get a sticker after every good health day. I have to drink enough water to meet my intake goals, which is around 1500 mL, exercise in some way even if it’s just a brief walk, and get at least 6-8 hours of sleep. If I meet all three of these goals, I get a sticker. This method basically reinforces itself, and helped me move away from my slight soda addiction. Before this, I was literally putting myself into exhaustion from excess caffeine/sugar and not fueling my body enough to handle it; it caused quite a few heart problems.

Outside of these journals, making my goals for the year has been vital. When making my goals I try to keep in mind that I’ll probably lose momentum around mid-late January, and they should be realistic enough to take into account poor health days, stressful events, and disappointment when I fail to meet daily goals. Those goals are:

  1. Do my best to listen to my body’s needs
  2. Make healthy choices as much as possible
  3. Treat each new moment as just that, new.
  4. Try to work on at least one personal endeavor each day, even if that’s just for 10 minutes

These seem kind of simple, but they leave room for error, while giving me a chance to assess what I want out of my life each day. I personally enjoy learning new things, working on different projects, and getting healthier, but setting strict goals makes it harder to adapt when things don’t go as planned. As most Spoonies already know, having to adapt is crucial when your body doesn’t always do what you need it to when you need it to.

So, what do I do around this time of the new year when things start losing their brand new motivational sparkle? I set alarms.

Well, technically I use my phone and apps to track personal goals in simple ways. But since not everyone has the ability or means to do this, I’m going to break it down to it’s simplest form. I have an alarm for each type of activity I need to do during the day. One for taking my medications, one for small fitness breaks, one for drinking water, and one for time to rest and reflect on my day. Alarms can be different things for different people, but they give you a chance to stop stressing, and let the app/phone/clock worry about time. If I choose to skip one, I know it’ll come around again and I get another shot at it later.

Honestly, for me, the key to staying motivated is what I’ve stated from the start: every new day, every new moment, is a new chance. Beating myself up over what I didn’t do because I was busy with my health, another priority, or just plain tired, just stops me from trying again later. Being gentle with myself, while also trying not to overindulge have been the best ways to keep me going at a good pace. There’s no magic routine that will work for everyone. I didn’t learn these methods from someone else, and while they might help someone else, that person will also have to make changes that fit their own needs. Implementing something small, getting used to it, then adding resources as needed is a pretty good standard practice. Dumping too much on yourself can be overwhelming and most people lose momentum from the sheer weight of it all.

Self improvement isn’t a sprint, it’s an endurance run. Go too hard and too fast, and you’ll burn yourself out before you’ve even begun.

Burnout, Executive Dysfunction, and Indulgence

~ Olivia Hill ~ 1 Comment

I typically post my blogs at a different day and time than when I wrote them so I’m going to start marking the actual day and time. It’s 16:42 on September 19th, and I can’t decide what to do with my Saturday afternoon.

My planner works really well during the week because my schedule is consistent due to work. Sometimes on the weekends it’s not as great if I’m feeling rundown. Today it’s definitely been more like the latter.

I’ve been laying here thinking “I know I’m tired and it’s good to sleep, but I also need to [insert my entire todo list].” It’s difficult to get up and just do something.

I think I’m giving myself a pass this weekend because I’m feeling a bit burned out from 2020 but that doesn’t mean I get to skip my responsibilities and my actual self care. Indulgence is sleeping longer than you need because getting up sounds hard. I don’t want to be indulgent, so I think I’m going to start with something small and get my momentum going.

My hope is that this will get me moving to do other activities. Sometimes the resources we use for mental and physical health and products stop working, or need a jump start. When that happens I try to do an activity I enjoy that gets me moving, or turn on music I like while I work. Occasionally the making a list and just tackling one thing on it and deciding whether to rest afterwards or not is helpful.

Today, I think I’ll make tomorrow’s schedule so I start the day off right, and I’ll pick one cleaning chore, and one mindful activity (so not videogames) to do to relax.

This year is tough on everyone. What do you do to get yourself motivated, or started on a more healthy track or to do list?

A Planner, Stickers, and Breaking The Cycle of Stress

~ Olivia Hill ~ 3 Comments

I wasn’t planning on writing this now at 22:30, but my brain will not let me just rest for an entire afternoon. I went to sleep at 18:30 and the plan is to sleep again after this. I’ve been exhausted lately and tonight my goal was to give myself some much needed rest.

The more I learn about myself the more I realize that I am not only a perfectionist, but I’m a workaholic in the sense that I have to feel productive 100% of the time. That’s problematic because I also have a heart condition that makes being productive 100% of the time extra exhausting. I’m talking weak arms and legs, pass out in the hall because you’ve been studying non-stop for a week, exhausted (yes, that’s happened before).

Lately I’ve taken some steps to make self-care and rest more intuitive, but I have a feeling this will take a while. Here’s what I’ve done:

First, I love using my phone for to-do lists. It makes sense to me to keep my priorities in the thing I carry around anyway. Which is why I started a planner in a non-virtual notebook. Sounds contradictory, I know.

Using a paper planner means I can place it where it’s going to “haunt” me. On my bedside, by my workstation, in the car, in front of the TV, everywhere I look is a good place for it.

It’s working.

I’ve used the planner every day and it’s helping me remember everything I need to do as well as move my priorities around as needed.

Next, this planner is not designed to make me follow the schedule, it’s designed to help me break it when needed and still feel okay about it.

I had this pack of stickers that I think are adorable but never used because when the heck, as an adult, are you going to use stickers??? At least I never had a use for them before. Now I do, because every day that is a “good day” from a productivity standpoint gets a sticker in the planner.

This is inherently rewarding for my crow-brain (crows collect things they find asthetically pleasing) which enjoys giving me cute stickers, and serves as a visual tracking of my general productivity/positivity trends.

From a Spoonie perspective, tracking your health is pretty much standard. This is part of my mental health and I want to see if it fluctuates in any patterns. If it does, is there a reason, and is there a way I can use that information to help myself be healthier? When you have a physical illness, your mental health becomes even more vital to your energy levels. For cardiology patients, this is something you learn right away. Stress or lack thereof could be the difference between having the energy to make it through lunch, or needing to lie down so you don’t pass out.

The stickers give me solid reminders of the days when I was either healthy enough to be productive, or healthy enough to forgive myself and view the day positively when I wasn’t. A sticker means: great work, you had a good day either by knocking out your to-do list, or by taking time to relax. This way, both are encouraged and wavering in a state of anxiety between the two isn’t.

I also included a list of daily goals in the planner. At the end of each day I list which goals I completed and which I didn’t. The idea is to give myself a sticker anyway. This ensures I don’t beat myself up because I didn’t complete a goal, but I’m also motivated to see the not-done list get smaller each day. Plus, it’s a good way to build a habit one task at a time.

Overall I think it’s working because I never would have felt comfortable going to bed at 6:30 PM, at least not with the only productive thing completed after work being a single blog post. I feel a little less stressed but it’s going to take a long time before I see permanent changes to my mentality.

I’m excited to see how things turn out!