As I get older I realize more and more that there are big differences between the friends I had when I was younger and the friends I have now. These aren’t bad things, just things. I’m also aware that everyone realizes this at some point and it’s probably pretty well known to anyone who has kept some childhood friends in their lives. The difference is this: I don’t usually have to explain my actions or feelings to childhood friends.
These are friends who watched me grow. They watched the events in my life change me and create my perspectives. They know which things broke my heart. They know which things brought me joy. Some childhood friends know me, probably, better than I know myself. They know which weaknesses I have that continue to kick me in the ass and they don’t make me feel horrible about them.
When I first got sick, I didn’t know what was going to happen. Was I going to get better? Would I get worse? Would I get worse to a point where no one could help and it would kill me? The uncertainty and the mystery of what I had (along with the fact that my doctor was ignoring some pretty obvious clues) meant I reached out to those friends. I called and texted and facebooked, and met with people I hadn’t seen in a while.
My childhood friends are the ones who flew out of the woodwork to help, in whatever way they could. They helped in ways they knew I could handle; hypersensitivity means I can only handle so much excitement or attention at one time before I burn out. They’ve seen me during some of the worst and best times of my life. They also know the majority of my inside jokes.
This isn’t news to anyone. That’s what friends do. My non-childhood friends are great too, but they see me from the perspective of my explanations of my childhood. They weren’t there to see the things about myself that I didn’t see. They don’t know all the different ways I’ve expressed myself over the years or how I’ve changed.
Thinking about all of this, I think about other Spoonies as well. In my case, I don’t have many close childhood friends left. There are that wonderful few who have hung on through all my mood swings and withdrawals from general socializing. I’m lucky. Many Spoonies have spent so much of their lives in hospital that they never had an opportunity to make those friends, or those friends have left because let’s face it, being friends with and supporting a Spoonie can be difficult.
This is something every Spoonie is acutely aware of. We know we can be burdens. We know it gets tiring dealing with an exhausted, sometimes depressed person. Depending on the illness, a friend’s job can be difficult. Here’s the thing though: If you are not a fan of my life imagine how I feel.
I follow quite a few Spoonies on social media as well as having some as friends in my “real life” (the internet is real life, if your only friends are online they’re still real). I have seen multiple rants about how hard it is to listen to “you’re so depressing all the time”, “why can you just handle it?”, ” I know your life is hard, and you’re hurting, but I can’t deal with this right now.”
These most likely well intentioned, tired friends/family members probably don’t mean to hurt us. They probably just want to be honest about how they’re feeling. This is fair. This is normal. As a friend I owe it in return to also be understanding of their situation.
Recently in my life people have been very understanding. They’ve been patient. They’ve given me the time, love, and consideration I need to deal with my illness while in school and working. This blog is coming from my want to express the frustration of others as well as “past me”.
We are people. We are exhausted. We are not exaggerating our symptoms. Life for many Spoonies can be complete and utter torture. In fact, a sentiment I hear often which might be shocking to many non-Spoonies, is “I’m only suffering through because it would break my friends and family’s hearts if I died.”
If you’re part of a Spoonies support system, you’re probably very important to them. They’re most likely trying so hard because you’re in their life. If you’re a Spoonie, it might be hard to hear frank statements from your friends and family but they deserve our understanding too.
Our world lately seems like there’s so much arguing and us vs. thems that it can be overwhelming, to say the least. If we stick together, even in small ways, if we have more understanding for the people around us the way we want to be understood… maybe we’ll have more friendships like childhood friendships and less lonely people. A small moment of understanding towards anyone, Spoonie or not, can go a long way. ⏺️
Note: This blog isn’t my best. It was a bit all over the place. I’m having a Spoonie day with low spoons.