Tag: Mental Health

Walking Away

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment

I saw a post on Facebook highlighting the importance of knowing that “it’s okay to leave”. I don’t know the OP but if you’ve seen it and know who it is please comment or email lockstockandspoonies@gmail.com so that I can cite them.

The post talked all about it being okay to leave uncomfortable situations. It’s okay to leave abusive or toxic relationships. It’s okay to leave a school or job that isn’t working out and is making you miserable. It’s okay to leave family dinners, friend gatherings, competitions, dates etc… if that thing is making you so uncomfortable or miserable it causes you to fear for your safety or causes damage to your mental or physical health. Hell… it’s okay to leave because you want to. It’s okay.

What I did want to talk about is what that means to me personally, and maybe you feel the same way or maybe you don’t. I want to hear other’s opinions:

My close friends and family know me as a “100% gamer”. I want to beat every level, side quest, and storyline. I want every prize. I want every costume change and trophy. They also know I rarely actually do that. Partly because I have limited time and am not always good enough. Partly because I’ve learned to walk away from things that expend more of my energy than they’re worth.

I’ve spent days on games that I no longer enjoyed, just to complete a goal. I’ve “gone down the rabbit hole” hundreds of times – failing to eat, drink, sleep, or take breaks. I’ve gotten so frustrated at a game that it’s eaten at me for days.

It took years for little (okay… younger little) me to learn that it was okay to go to bed at 1 AM, instead of 5 AM without a particular achievement earned in a game. It took countless uncomfortable meetings and miserable days before I learned it was okay to switch the direction my life was going in to a completely new one – to change my college major, decide to leave research, to start working at a job I love instead of one everyone approves of.

So far, I’ve never regretted leaving a situation when I wanted or needed to, but there are countless moments I regret enduring instead of doing what was best for me.

That said, I also believe in putting 100% in. I don’t leave something just because it’s a challenge, or I had one moment where I messed up, or because of one person whom I will rarely interact with. There’s this line in the sand that marks the territory between quitting, and wisely abandoning hopeless causes/physically or mentally harmful people and situations.

My goal is to figure out what my own personal line is, without judging someone else’s.

I may not have a problem with someone telling me that what I just did was stupid, but another person might be deeply affected by it and that would be their line. Everyone is different, have their own past experiences, and their own traumas. It’s a very personal decision to walk away from anything, and while others can give their advice and support, ultimately it’s the individual’s choice.

To me, the important thing is: your life is your own, and no one should ever have to put up with things in their life they’re not comfortable with.

Zech Whitby

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment

“I love you, know that…..You have the world ahead of you, and it will be great”~Zech Whitby

On September 6th, 2018 the world lost a good man. Our friends at Bitter Hearts Tattoo lost a part of themselves.

My roommate and I have found a sort-of home at Bitter Hearts, and we care about the people there. Last Thursday, while sitting in class, I received a text from him. It was a screenshot of a post that Zech made on Facebook the night before:

https://www.facebook.com/plugins/post.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fzech.whitby%2Fposts%2F1817868241667377&width=500

What happened with my roommate and I next doesn’t matter. What matters is what Zech wrote. Please read it all. Then read it again. Then show it to everyone you know, because that’s what Zech would’ve wanted.

I don’t have much to say, because there are no words for the pain that not just I feel but that our friends at Bitter Hearts feel. No words for what I see in their exhausted faces after a week of his absence.

What I do have to say is this: There ARE people out there who will listen. People who want to help. People who don’t ever want another person to end their own life.

How do I know?

That Saturday, the 8th, we attended a gathering at the shop of everyone who’s ever cared about Zech who was able to be there that day. Most got tree tattoos (his specialty) in memory of him. Over 130 of us got tattoos and are now connected by our love for Zech. Some drove hours, or flew in from other states; some came to help give tattoos. Within the first 30 minutes, they had around 40 people signed up. The cost of the tattoos plus any donations were given to Zech’s family to help pay for funeral costs. The turn out was overwhelming. What was most overwhelming was how much we’d all wished he had just asked for us all to come. How much his friends and family wished he could’ve seen the crowd, the tears, the family of people come to pay respects and share their memories, and their love.

Every one of those people would gladly give their time to listen to someone who needed it. To help someone who was giving up, whether they knew them or not.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts please call the suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255 and the text line is: 741741 (text “TALK” )… The national suicide prevention website also has a computer chat feature.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”-Zech

If you would like to see Zech’s art, please check out his Facebook page, personal instagram, and his Dead Trees Art Insta.

If you would like to see Bitter Hearts collective work as well as posts for Zech, please check out their Instagram page.

Missing Work, Loyalty, and Determination

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment

These past two weeks have been stressful, to say the least. My overall sense of calm, loyalty, judgement, and resilience were tested in ways I did not see coming.

First, I had a minor health complication that normally would have been a quick fix in the form of an outpatient procedure with minimal fuss. Unfortunately, my health insurance does not cover my doctors whom have been familiar with my personal history (even though the company said it would). This meant I could either tackle the problem with rest and an old medication which I was not fond of, or go to a doctor who doesn’t know me and certainly wouldn’t understand how my current problem tied in with my complex history. I chose to rest.

The American Medical System, everyone…..the one place you’ll find people choosing not to see a doctor to avoid bills for visits and procedures which may make them worse or that would not be helpful even though the prices make you think they would be the best in the world. (If you’re looking for a good YouTube channel about healthcare and insurance check out Healthcare Triage)

I had to take time off of work to heal, which isn’t ideal considering I can’t exactly afford that. Now, my much needed student loan refund is probably going to go towards supplementing that lost income.

On top of that, I took more time off to help a friend with their own personal health crisis. Which is where my patience was tested. My friend was not the problem. I will not get into details, for their privacy and general courtesy for all involved. I don’t see the point in publicly shaming someone in this particular situation.

Details aside, I learned things about myself and have found I’m quite proud of those discoveries. I found that I’m willing to stand up for a friend and protect their freedom to choose, and their basic autonomy. I found that I could withstand mental intimidation and childish retaliation and respond with maturity and a sense of calm and rationality. That’s not to say I didn’t feel anger, because I was beyond angry, but I didn’t act on it and I am glad I did not.

I was deeply invested in maintaining my friend’s freedom and autonomy, probably because it’s something many of us in the chronic illness community lose for many reasons. Sometimes, it can’t be helped. But when another person over-steps their bounds and threatens, needlessly, someone else’s freedoms that makes me extremely upset. I believe that people are healthiest when they’re given the chance to be responsible for their own lives, decisions, and bodies. I’ve seen people thrive once they had full control over these things.

Additionally, no one can grow or learn if they only take other people’s advice or orders; if you did not make the decision yourself there is always the question of “would it have turned out better if I’d done it my way?”. People typically learn better when they experience consequences for themselves, instead of listening to the consequences another experienced. This isn’t to say that we should all go and do things someone else has found to hold undesirable consequences; advice should be listened to and other people’s viewpoints taken into consideration. But don’t forget to form your own opinions. Trust your gut, your heart, and your mind, while also listening to the opinions of multiple people and sources to form your own opinions.

Whether it’s your healthcare, or your personal life, or your career or education, your decisions are your own and no one can (and no one should) take that away from you. The very few exceptions are if you are directly harming another person, or yourself, or if your own mental illness has made reality very…. cloudy. But even in these circumstances, there are people who have the training and the knowledge to assist and whom we give this authority to, and there are people who do not.

I know a lot of this depends on the situation and which person is trying to take away the free choice of another. In my own situation I asked for advice from multiple people and I stood by what I strongly felt was right. I will never regret that.

I’m back to work now and excited to start the new school year soon. I hope I’ll be able to bring you all more content and that we all have a low stress week. Thanks for reading!

Stress, Reviews, and Trying New Things

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment

I don’t want to talk too much about how my life was this past week. Sometimes I just want my privacy, and this week had too much in it that was very private and personal. I was stressed out and sad and I did not know how to cope some days except to just do my own thing. This involved enjoying a lot of my hobbies: knitting, reading, video games, coloring, writing, and playing music (and of course, sleeping).

I watched a lot of movies, and listened to podcasts, and audio-books. If you’re interested in audio-books, “The Chronicles of Saint Mary’s” are excellent. Well narrated, and well written, funny, and interesting. Podcasts that are good are “Terrible, Thanks for Asking”, and “Things You Should Know”. I’m a huge fan of the thriller and horror movie genres, especially supernatural ones.

I watched Stonehearst Asylum, which, in my opinion is phenomenal. It brings the idea of what exactly qualifies as mental illness, and the proper treatment of it, as well as just has an interesting and thrilling story. In the very early days of organized treatment of mental illness, asylums were where everyone was thrown. There were a lot of misconceptions and cruelty was often mistaken for treatment. Stonehearst Asylum was a good display of history (though I wouldn’t count on it being entirely accurate) as well as mystery, action, and a fantastic plot twist.

Lavender was another movie I watched. It’s not for everyone, as it can be frustrating trying to piece everything together. Not to mention it can be a bit upsetting for anyone with some….painful parts of their past or childhood. Without giving it away, proceed with caution before you watch this movie. If you’ve had trauma as a child, or are triggered by violence or any kind of assault/violation of space or comfort, this is most likely not the movie for you.

I also spent my time trying my hand at learning the guitar again. I enjoy teaching myself new things using books and YouTube. I played a song I’ve been trying to figure out, and I think I did alright. You can check it out on my channel (with a clip of the original linked in the description) Lock, Stock, and Spoonies (the YouTube version here). I’m still trying to get it perfect but I’ll have to figure out more guitar skills first.

If you can’t tell, I’m suffering from some writers block. I want to be a supportive voice for people who often don’t get enough support from society, the medical system, the financial system, and sometimes their own friends and families. But I also want to put my own creativity, personality, and art, out into the world, and some days that’s hard. Partly because that’s hard in general, putting a piece of yourself out for people to judge. Partly because some days I struggle with exhaustion, or depression, or just being damn stressed out so much so that I can’t remember an entire month of my life, or an entire human being who was a good friend to me in high school (Seriously. I couldn’t remember her and it was both embarrassing and painful to realize I’d forgotten huge chunks of my life due to mental illness), and those things make being creative, AND brave enough to post that creativity, difficult. I hope that I have more days that are better and that make me feel confident and strong, but lately I’ve had days that made me feel not so great.

That’s the kind of days everyone has, and being a Spoonie, they’re more common. I’m exhausted and struggling to make sure I take care of myself, and remember important events. My social life has been put on hold for a bit, and that’s okay. Sometimes my health, and healing have to come first. But let’s hope that soon, I’ll be able to put out more easy to read or watch content.

Anxiety, Heat, and Choosing What Works

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment

The heat is not my friend.

My illness causes my blood pressure and heart rate to be slow to respond to environmental changes. If I don’t drink enough water or it gets too hot my heart could race or I could pass out. The longer term consequence is exhaustion.

Lately I’ve been feeling like there’s never enough time, never enough energy, never enough resources for me to pull from. Chronic illness is a constant fight with your own body.

My body has been sore, my heart acting up, and my fatigue through the roof. It’s been worse because my stress levels have been higher due to finances and I sacrifice meals some days in order to save money (I don’t recommend this incredibly unhealthy option). This has made me feel tired and stressed even if it’s summer and I have fewer urgent things to take care of.

The good news is, it pushes me to get stronger physically and mentally. The world is getting warmer and my body is going to need to have the endurance for extreme heat and extreme cold.

Some days, I have to remind myself that rest is important. That it’s okay to put off a new endeavor or give a friend a raincheck. I’ve said that before. But, how do I handle the constant feeling of running out of time to do those things? Of feeling a little bit frantic even when I’m relaxing?

For me, this is probably part of the generalized anxiety I’ve gotten after years of college, of semesters rushing to get everything done while also dealing with illness in some form, handling social situations and pressures, and lately two jobs which are relatively fast paced and time dependant.

I can use my resources to a point, but there comes a time when no amount of breathing, meditation, calming activities, and yoga will ease that anxiety. Sometimes my doctor is the person to head to because my brain chemistry is out of wack and if I get too much anxiety it affects my heart in ways that would just cause more anxiety. This option isn’t for everyone, especially if finances aren’t so dire that you’re having to sacrifice good nutrition for money (once I eat what’s been stockpiled in my kitchen I’ll be able to eat healthier).

However, if you’re someone who doesn’t mind taking a medication that works for you, it’s a great option for mental health management. Just because the culture is shifting away from pharmaceuticals doesn’t mean you can’t give them a try. I plan on asking my doctor about a specific medication which I can take as needed (which means I don’t HAVE to take it all the time) and isn’t addictive and doesn’t have an OD risk. It’s light and just a “supplement” to my usual resources when they don’t work the way I need.

That being said, I don’t plan on taking meds for the rest of my life. I’m a strong supporter of tackling the real problem, not the symptoms. This means keeping my stress lower, working on getting a healthier diet, getting enough sleep, and continuing to build my resource arsenal against my condition’s symptoms being disruptive to my life. This also might mean giving up things I want.

My future plans are uncertain, but that’s okay. I’ve given up on my grad school goals, and am focusing on just going to work and living my life. School has been unhealthy for me amd while I’m pushing through undergrad it would be detrimental to my health to move onto grad school. This actually lowers my anxiety a bit because I know I can relax a little when it comes to my grades. If I’m doing my best and passing, I’ll consider that a win.

How many people will look at my situation and think “You’re just giving up. How can you walk away from a good opportunity like that?” and it’s because I want my doors open for other opportunities that I’d prefer and that I can handle: an Etsy business I’d like to start, spending time with family and friends, possibly starting my own family, and just time to relax and enjoy life.

There are a lot of ways to live life, but if you’re living it in a way that’s making you sicker, or stressed, then in my opinion what’s the point of doing those things? Sometimes there’s no choice, which is a hard reality, but when there IS a choice, it’s never a bad thing, doing what works for you. When the world gets too hot, it’s nice to be able to sit back and breathe, and I’ll always work to make sure I get the time to do that, even if some days I feel like I’m always rushing.

Time, Energy, and Changing Plans

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes I forget that I have chronic illnesses. I’m incredibly lucky to be able to say that, but it can become a problem.

When I’ve put in the work, and planning, and gotten a good day (or few days if I’m lucky) with no health problems…. eating what I want without enzymes, doing what I want and not feeling tired, no dizziness or extreme fatigue, no stomach pains, no muscle or joint pain, no episodes of extreme hypersensitivity…. I forget. Being sick is my normal, so when it doesn’t happen my brain gets excited and forgets so that I can plan all of the wonderful things I want to do.

So I call/text friends and family and make plans. I offer to work extra days at my job; which is a highly physical job and fast paced so it takes a lot out of me while also keeping me healthy. I basically over-book myself. That’s what happened this past week.

Getting my YouTube channel started, making plans with friends, cleaning the apartment completely, all while it was a difficult week at work because the steam in the building was shut down and I work running a giant industrial washer sanitizing supplies like carts etc… proved to be too much.

The steam shut down took all of my extra spoons because I was working in freezing conditions and constantly covered in water or at least had soaked socks and shoes. Along with that, I misjudged the time needed to do some things and lost sleep.

Postponing and then, for another reason, having to reschedule plans with a friend was one consequence. I got lucky and another friend postponed plans which gave me time to rest. Even so, by the time I got to Saturday, a day to visit museums in Cleveland with my dad, I was feeling the week. It was a great day, I saw a lot, but not as much as I wanted. I had to head home early because my body was just done.

Luckily I have an understanding father who didn’t mind making plans to come back another time.

Something a lot of people respond to Spoonies postponing, canceling, or cutting short plans with is anger, or disappointment, or even questioning whether we really want to be there. It’s frustrating and can really make a person want to never make plans with anyone again just to avoid it.

The solution I’ve come up with is to just not give a damn. If I have to do something for my health, and I’ve been honest and upfront with my friend, family member, or boss about my inability to be there, then I have done what I can. There’s no sense in beating myself up when I’ve done nothing wrong.

As Spoonies it’s our job to advocate for ourselves because many times no one else will. It’s difficult, of course, because advocating takes energy. Sometimes the spoons to explain in detail that you don’t dislike a person, you’re just genuinely exhausted, just aren’t there. But here’s the cool thing: it’s a great way to find out who’s worth having in your life and who isn’t.

If someone doesn’t understand your needs, or isn’t compassionate towards you, then maybe they’re not someone who needs to be in your life. If you can’t cut them out for whatever reason then remember that you haven’t done anything wrong. Don’t apologize for doing what you need to be healthy. Apologize for any inconvenience, apologize for changing their plans or schedule, but don’t apologize or feel bad for making healthy choices.

We cannot expect, in a world full of people with no health problems, especially in a country that has a culture of “fix the symptom, take pills, postpone the bad feelings” instead of promoting true overall heath with lifestyle changes, that everyone is going to understand that you’re not jerking them around. That you genuinely need time off to sleep, even if it feels like all you do is sleep or sit.

No one can tell you what you need. You’re the only one living in your body and the only one who’s stuck with it for your whole life. You’re the only one who gets to make decisions about it.

Side note: If you are in a situation where you feel like someone has taken away your choices about your own body, please seek help. Hospitals are equipped with staff who are trained to handle that kind of thing. When they ask if you feel safe in the home or even if they don’t ask, in America it is a patient’s right to request a private meeting, without a family member present and that is a good time to say something. Police also can help and have access to other longterm resources.

Saying yes, no, and a limit on caring.

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a couple of weeks, I think, since I’ve posted anything. If you are, or know someone who is, currently in college you’ll also know it was about that time. That magical time when anticipation, fear, joy, panic, and procrastination find a way to coexist in our brains: finals.

I’m really glad this school year is over. I still have no idea what my grade in Elementary Russian II is, but I passed Immunology with a C.

Now, before you think I slacked off…. I did. I had a rough semester mentally, physically, and emotionally for so many reasons. So my school work took a back seat. That’s okay. Finals was me spending every single day trying to learn a semester’s-worth of work for two classes. I gave it my all and I’m proud of that.

It also was a signal that I needed to make a change in my life and get back to resources I’d left behind when I moved to this apartment. I had stopped reading, meditating, and generally living with a schedule.

I like schedules; so much so that I have been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive personality (my obsessive and compulsive thoughts do not reach a threshold of being disruptive to my life). Here’s why: I know what to expect, mostly, of my day. I know my goals. I know I’ll have time for my health. I can also adjust my schedule when needed now, because I had to learn that skill when I got my illness. Now I can shower at an unplanned time, miss my favorite shows, move a goal to a different day, and put my meals and bathroom breaks off for later. These are things I had a hard time doing as a kid and it drove my family crazy at times.

I’ve grown a lot since middle school, and left a lot of negative aspects of myself behind. I tried to hold onto some of the more positive skills I learned from my strict schedules. I’m trying to make use of them now, this summer, to gain back my mental health and well-being and my inner and outer peace.

I’ve made a schedule of reading, bike riding, videogames, knitting, and other hobbies. I want to keep myself busy to fend off depression. But, my schedule isn’t so rigid. It flows, and can change if needed to accommodate need for sleep, rest, or time to help a friend or myself. That flexibility wards off anxiety.

Balance is exactly what I’m going for. My summer is my healing time. If you’re a spoonie, you understand why that balance is important. If you’re not, then you probably still know but maybe aren’t forced to find it as often.

All of this considered, there’s one added obstacle: I care too much and I help too much. Let me clarify: there’s nothing wrong with caring about and helping others, but it can become unhealthy when you take on someone else’s responsibilities or work too hard to make their lives easier when they’re not doing that for you.

I got caught up in a “care cycle” and let myself get swept away by anxieties and concerns that weren’t mine to have. I worried about my friend’s successes beyond what I should have and sacrificed my own needs and moments to help them. This is a bad habit I still need to learn-away. I was having panic attacks about whether their grades were alright, whether their health was good, whether they were in a good place emotionally. All the while, my grades were not alright, my health wasn’t as good, and my emotional home was looking more and more like it needed repairs and a new coat of paint.

I helped someone with their own oxygen mask before I put mine on.

I’ve had to let that caring go. I still care deeply for my friend, but I’ve had to let them live their life and make their own mistakes, and deal with their own consequences. I probably did seem like an overbearing helicopter mom. I’m not sorry for my caring and the help I gave, but I think now’s the time to move on.

Why this is important: sometimes living with chronic heath issues makes you acutely aware of how bad negative feelings and experiences are. It makes you want to help people not have those feelings or experiences for themselves. If you’re a Spoonie looking out for someone else before yourself (the complicated exception being your own kid) it may be time to look out for yourself first.

If you’re a caretaker, or family member, maybe your Spoonie friend needs more care. Maybe they just need you to care for yourself so that they can relax and watch you be as amazing as they probably know you can be. Give them the chance to say no to you, so they can say yes to their own needs.

I know how to say no to others. It’s time to say no to myself sometimes too. Saying no to focusing too much on someone else’s success when my own is faltering. I hope this summer will be an experience of learning how to do that.

Side note: I’ll be reading more this summer, so I may end up doing book reviews as part of my blog. Especially if those books are on the topic of health and wellness.

Humanity, Not Machinery.

~ Olivia Hill ~ Leave a comment

As a college student, I’m faced, every day, with the pressure to be perfect. I’ve talked about this before. As a person with chronic illness, I am simultaneously told by society (particularly American society) that I need to be the same as someone without an illness to overcome, and by medical personnel and other Spoonies that I need to rest and realize that I am human.

Being human, however, isn’t desired. Our society wants machines: be perfect, feel only what we say to feel, push forward.

Maybe that’s what our country lacks. We’re expecting machine-like qualities from humans. Machines are cold, unfeeling, and can easily be used to harm. If you hit someone with a car, the car doesn’t feel bad, the human does. If you fail to follow safety regulations and someone is hurt by a machine, the machine feels nothing, the human feels regret and guilt. If you shoot someone with a gun, the gun doesn’t know the difference, but the human shooting it knows they’re hurting someone else.

We are not machines. We are humans. When you try to block out humanity for perfection you lose the entire beauty of humanity. It’s beautiful because it’s imperfect. It’s beautiful because in spite of its imperfections it creates art, helps others, solves mathematical theorems….. humanity is not perfect. Humanity is messy.

Humanity is feeling a million conflicting things at once. Humanity is feeling apathy towards one person and loving another. Humanity is working painstakingly on a project, only to destroy it later. Humanity is crying over rejection while simultaneously checking out someone attractive. Humanity is doing your best and still failing. Humanity is getting a degree and then getting a job in a different field. Humanity is both hating and loving someone at the same time. Humanity is wanting to be alone but also not wanting to be. Humanity is wanting to sleep but not being able to. Humanity is uncertain. Humanity is calmness. Humanity is anger. Humanity is sheer panic. Humanity is knowing everything will work out just fine. Humanity is the acceptance of imperfection and the acceptance of our individuality.

What happens if you tell a young man, that his humanity is flawed? If you tell him every day that his feelings (except anger, you know… for sports) make him weak. If you tell him that he’s not allowed to fail in any way, that he has to have friends, enjoy only certain things, get all the girls, dislike only certain things, be anything other than human. What happens when that same boy is so privileged in our society that he usually gets what he wants either through his own privilege or his parent’s? What happens when that same boy comes across a moment in his life where his imperfections show through and he starts to feel something other than anger, like hurt?

Well, he fixes it the way he’s been told to. He stops, and erases his humanity. He kills the thing that causes him to feel empathy, towards himself and towards others. He kills his heart. He kills himself internally. Then he steps forward, weapon in hand, to show the world how well he did at killing his own humanity…

… by killing every classmate and teacher he can. By killing every theater-goer. By killing every cheering concert fan. By killing someone’s baby, someone’s best friend, someone’s uncle, brother, sister, mother, surgeon, teacher, crossing guard… by killing someone’s everything.

We have completely failed young kids, if we enact gun laws but fail to fix the systemic problem as well. Humanity is knowing there’s a short term solution and a long term (this also goes for systemic racial oppression). We cannot change the systemic destruction of an individual’s humanity in one night. But, we can put protections in place to make it harder for a young man, who has everything to prove and nothing to lose, to get ahold of a gun. Then, we can focus on the aspect that includes mental illness.

As Spoonies, we know well what it’s like to face the realities of humanity. Many of us also know what it’s like to face those realities with mental illness. However, mental illness is never an excuse to kill. The men who have stood up and decided that their pride, their pain, their lives, were more important than the lives of others, deserve to be punished for it. But as a society we also need to stop this idiotic bickering over which problem is really to blame.

Humanity is full of multiple problems acting in tandem. It’s looking at a situation like this and realizing it’s a gun problem AND a mental health problem. It’s a problem at home AND a problem with society as a whole. It’s a problem with failure to report AND with failure to realize that reporting isn’t as simple as the president makes it sound.

Humanity works in shades of greys. It rarely looks clean cut. It’s messy and difficult and filled with regret and pain but also of beauty. It’s filled with bitter arguments with cruel words, and then tears of remorse and embraces of forgiveness. It’s filled with acceptance of other’s imperfections even if they don’t accept your own. It’s filled with groaning because you have to wake up for work/school, while also marveling at the beauty of your sleeping child, the sunrise, your cute pet, or significant other. It’s waking up realizing, and possibly feeling disgust at, the fact that your loved one has shit the bed because of their illness, but lovingly helping them anyway. It’s long nights in hospital rooms, with occasional small moments of joy at a new visitor or a small amount of precious time gained. It’s dying a little inside every day watching a patient suffer, while you step forward to make their lives a bit easier instead of running away from that pain. It’s seeing the anxiety in the eyes of your students, and postponing an exam, or letting class out early. It’s taking the bad with the good and doing your best.

Humanity is all we have. Humanity gives us compassion. It gives us love, which can both create the highest euphoria and the greatest pain. If we could stop, for one moment and embrace humanity instead of trying to shut it out….maybe our world wouldn’t be so cold. It would still have pain, there’s no erasing that. But, it would be less cold and grey metal, and more warmth and color. It would be beautiful and exciting instead of dismal and soul crushing. Accepting our humanity lets us accept our failures with the ability to stand up and try again instead of giving up with “I’m no good at this”.

I know that my efforts to embrace my humanity will never be perfect. That’s the point. I will do my best to face the pain in my world. I will do my best to look at other’s pain and show them I care instead of turning away because it makes me uncomfortable. I will do my best to always have empathy. I will do my best. That’s all we can do.

Embrace humanity and stop expecting perfection from imperfect humans. We are not machines.