Burn-out, Balance, and Change

Go on social media, and you’ll see a thousand videos that make you laugh, cry, or cringe. Some gain their followers or reacts by being controversial. Some prefer to just produce comedy. Some are designed to help the world move in the direction the creator feels is beneficial for us. There’s always a video to find. There’s always a person behind the video’s creation. There’s always an audience that forgets about that person.

When I started my blog and YouTube channel in 2018 it was a way for me to get away from things going on in my life. They were rough, and not things I could change or control; so I chose to change my focus. I used my free time to focus on hobbies and art, and making videos from those. I used my weekend mornings (which were unfortunately very lonely) to write blog posts. It was phenomenal, because even under the weight of my problems I still managed to get up and do something that made me smile. I chose last year to only put things up when it suited me, because my life changed and posting all the time wasn’t feasible without giving a huge part of myself to the wants and needs of a social media audience. For this reason, my “brand” hasn’t gotten very popular. This is okay with me; I just want to do what I love and have fun with it. After all, this was my stress relief, not work.

My actions and choices aren’t the norm, as a lot of social media personalities choose to completely involve themselves with their channel or blog — to the detriment of their mental health. I thought about this two days ago as I watched a video from a popular video personality who makes down to earth mom-comedy. She talked about how she’s been stressed and spread thin; that her husband sent her to a hotel at night to get away from everything and just relax.

In our country it’s normal to expect a person to produce a product. Whether that product is entertainment, a service, or a usable good, we are all expected to be productive members of society. Your worth is only as good as the role you play, and that’s incredibly stressful. Don’t get me wrong, I think everyone should do something. It doesn’t seem right to sit around all day and do nothing at all; but it doesn’t have to be for the purpose of proving your worth. I think doing things simply because you love them has value. I believe going to a job every day because you love it, not because it helps more people, or saves lives, or makes the most money, is what brings happiness. Maybe that shines a light on my own values, but it certainly couldn’t hurt to consider. Because the alternative is a world where everyone does things they hate because they want to be valuable, where everyone is depressed and anxious because it’s impossible to be valuable to every person.

I’ve watched friends crumble under the pressure to match other’s expectations. I’ve listened to new college students emit waves of anxiety over making it through, whether school is something they want to endure or not. I’ve experienced my own anxiety over not being productive enough; in fact I worry so much about it that I’ve melded my hobbies into productive endeavors so that I can have productivity and stress relief in one nice little package. A real anxiety reducer…if you do it right (I don’t always do it right).

My housekeeping job has been incredibly fulfilling. I help patients get what they need each day, within the tasks I’m permitted to do without an STNA license. Some days I can make them laugh, or not feel so alone, or get them water and a blanket, or just keep their room clean so it feels a little bit nicer. It’s a job that’s worth doing, that needs doing. It’s a job that isn’t for everyone. The days are long; in my case it’s 10 hours at a time of cleaning patient rooms and function rooms. It’s a job that, if you use common sense and good time management, plus some good interpersonal skills, you can get through quickly and smoothly. It takes navigating patient preferences, surprise messes, and day to day changes, all while cleaning up the things that happen in a medical setting.

It can be gross. It can be tiring. It can be thankless. A lot of the time, however, I receive tons of thanks from patients and their families and our staff. The team I work with is supportive and adaptable, and our supervisor is excellent at her job. They’ve been my home away from home for over a year, and the housekeeping staff have been my work family for about 6 months.

I had planned to stay two years.

I wanted to be there for them after two years of 10 different trainees walking out on the job. Of not getting their vacations, and working understaffed in a field that isn’t exactly easy on the body. Life didn’t exactly agree with my plan. I put in around three weeks notice, and I’m trying my best to do a great job for all of it until I leave in mid-November. Part of me feels like a failure, the other part feels like this is the right decision.

Society tells me I should stay in this job, regardless of how that affects me or my family, because I’m producing a valuable service. My ideals tell me it’s time to go before I burn out trying to balance work and home life; I’m needed at home in so many ways.

I could go into all the detailed reasons I’m needed here, to cook, clean, do laundry, and provide support wherever I can because the people I love need it. I could go into the health reasons that the physicality of the job is taking its toll and I need to find something just slightly less rigorous. The job is a sprint, whereas I’m more of a slow marathon kind of woman. Three days of 10-hours in a row, sometimes four days, and then one or two days off to get the housework done just doesn’t work when you’re trying to get meals on the table each day, and the spaces you live in clean. Waking up at 4:30 AM, and then the next days waking up later for a different shift or a day to fit my family’s schedule, means my circadian rhythms are extremely off. My body is in a constant state of jet-lag.

If I had a different home life, if I was at a different point in my life, or if my body had just slightly more endurance, would mean I could easily continue working this way. For now, I need something different. I need a regular schedule that’s also either flexible, or within time frames that let me cover my responsibilities at home. Some people see this as a weakness, but I see it as a strength. If I find a job that fits well with the rest of my life I’ll be a more productive employee. I’ll be awake and alert, well nourished, and ready to take on new challenges each day. I won’t have the same level of stress that I do now. I won’t be worried about how I’m going to get it all done, because I know I’ve planned for my responsibilities, and a few surprises too.

I don’t want to be like the social media personalities who burn-out and need to get away at midnight. I don’t want to be that person who loses the important parts of themselves and their lives for a job, when there are easily alternatives which suit me better and companies I can be even more helpful to. I also don’t want my career to be the marker of my value. My health, to me, is the most important thing because if I lose it at 30 from burn-out then everything I’ve done will be for nothing anyway.

I want to be productive, I want to fit into society’s idea of valuable, I want to be that model employee. I also want to be a good girlfriend, a good daughter, a good friend and pet-owner. Someday, I want to be a good wife and mother who helps keep her family healthy. I want to be a good example to my children, who can look at me and see a mother who knows her limits, and balances her priorities in a healthy way. The thing that makes life great is the process from start to finish: what we do with this time, not how we end it. Money means nothing if I have to spend it all on medical bills. The approval of a company means nothing if I’ve alienated the people I love, focusing on work so much I forget to actually love them. Our lives are a balance, and sacrificing that balance feels more like failure to me than failing my original plan to make adjustments. Small failures help us grow, but if we fail to find balance in the process of our lives—that’s sometimes too large of a failure to come back from. I’m not afraid to fail, but I’d prefer it be in the ways that help me grow.

It’s about 4:00 AM at this exact moment and I’m being kept awake by my cardiovascular system. Since Christmas, possibly longer, I’ve been struggling with high diastolic blood pressure, and elevated systolic pressure. My diastolic, at least when we’ve managed to measure it, has reached 99 mm/hg and that one saw me in the ER on New Years Eve pretty much exactly in the window of 11:30-12:30. My arrhythmia and tachycardia have been severe as well.

Since then, I’ve been trying to rest and keep my pressure down. I’ll be seeing a cardiologist soon – the first one since I was asked to leave the disautonomia clinic I was in due to my refusal to complete a test that would’ve made me radioactive for a year and raise my cancer risk. I’m worried it’ll be a repeat of my past experiences: a doctor using me as a guinea pig instead of helping me live my life as comfortably as possible. But, I’ve heard good things, so I’m hopeful.

As I’m lying here, I’m wracking my brain for what else could possibly be wrong if it isn’t a genetic predisposition, stress, or my conditions causing the raise in blood pressure. Could be an infection, or maybe a virus, or an unusual imbalance in electrolytes…. but more likely than not, as usual for me, it’s probably just my body doing something new. And that’s frustrating.

I was born about 3 months early, and we’ve got this running hypothesis that being so early made my body and nervous system a bit different than most. A more hypersensitive, vulnerable system to outside stimuli – including stress and the normal passing of time. I have zero non-anecdotal evidence for it, but I don’t think we’re too off.

If we aren’t, is this just my body failing me? Did one day come along and my body decide “now we’re gonna do migraines” and then a few years pass and it’s “screw migraines, muscle twitches are the new thing” then “twitches out, gastroparesis in” on to “time for high blood pressure!”. I’ve dealt with a lot of random, and annoying problems, but none of them posed as much threat to my health as an extended time with high BP. It’s frustrating, and a little scary, to see how quickly things can change (and it’s not the first time).

I could lay down and be miserable about it, or I could spend all my time thinking about the good things in my life, but I don’t think either of those is healthy. They might work for some, but for me personally, I prefer the middle ground: Rest, and accept the negative feelings that show up, and remind myself that it could be so much worse.

I don’t want to tell anyone else how to handle their own personal health experiences; this is just how I do it.

Tomorrow, my body could decide to work in a way that doesn’t make me feel sick, or it could get worse. I’d prefer to just move forward and hope for the best while preparing for the worst.

Walking Away

I saw a post on Facebook highlighting the importance of knowing that “it’s okay to leave”. I don’t know the OP but if you’ve seen it and know who it is please comment or email lockstockandspoonies@gmail.com so that I can cite them.

The post talked all about it being okay to leave uncomfortable situations. It’s okay to leave abusive or toxic relationships. It’s okay to leave a school or job that isn’t working out and is making you miserable. It’s okay to leave family dinners, friend gatherings, competitions, dates etc… if that thing is making you so uncomfortable or miserable it causes you to fear for your safety or causes damage to your mental or physical health. Hell… it’s okay to leave because you want to. It’s okay.

What I did want to talk about is what that means to me personally, and maybe you feel the same way or maybe you don’t. I want to hear other’s opinions:

My close friends and family know me as a “100% gamer”. I want to beat every level, side quest, and storyline. I want every prize. I want every costume change and trophy. They also know I rarely actually do that. Partly because I have limited time and am not always good enough. Partly because I’ve learned to walk away from things that expend more of my energy than they’re worth.

I’ve spent days on games that I no longer enjoyed, just to complete a goal. I’ve “gone down the rabbit hole” hundreds of times – failing to eat, drink, sleep, or take breaks. I’ve gotten so frustrated at a game that it’s eaten at me for days.

It took years for little (okay… younger little) me to learn that it was okay to go to bed at 1 AM, instead of 5 AM without a particular achievement earned in a game. It took countless uncomfortable meetings and miserable days before I learned it was okay to switch the direction my life was going in to a completely new one – to change my college major, decide to leave research, to start working at a job I love instead of one everyone approves of.

So far, I’ve never regretted leaving a situation when I wanted or needed to, but there are countless moments I regret enduring instead of doing what was best for me.

That said, I also believe in putting 100% in. I don’t leave something just because it’s a challenge, or I had one moment where I messed up, or because of one person whom I will rarely interact with. There’s this line in the sand that marks the territory between quitting, and wisely abandoning hopeless causes/physically or mentally harmful people and situations.

My goal is to figure out what my own personal line is, without judging someone else’s.

I may not have a problem with someone telling me that what I just did was stupid, but another person might be deeply affected by it and that would be their line. Everyone is different, have their own past experiences, and their own traumas. It’s a very personal decision to walk away from anything, and while others can give their advice and support, ultimately it’s the individual’s choice.

To me, the important thing is: your life is your own, and no one should ever have to put up with things in their life they’re not comfortable with.

Missing Work, Loyalty, and Determination

These past two weeks have been stressful, to say the least. My overall sense of calm, loyalty, judgement, and resilience were tested in ways I did not see coming.

First, I had a minor health complication that normally would have been a quick fix in the form of an outpatient procedure with minimal fuss. Unfortunately, my health insurance does not cover my doctors whom have been familiar with my personal history (even though the company said it would). This meant I could either tackle the problem with rest and an old medication which I was not fond of, or go to a doctor who doesn’t know me and certainly wouldn’t understand how my current problem tied in with my complex history. I chose to rest.

The American Medical System, everyone…..the one place you’ll find people choosing not to see a doctor to avoid bills for visits and procedures which may make them worse or that would not be helpful even though the prices make you think they would be the best in the world. (If you’re looking for a good YouTube channel about healthcare and insurance check out Healthcare Triage)

I had to take time off of work to heal, which isn’t ideal considering I can’t exactly afford that. Now, my much needed student loan refund is probably going to go towards supplementing that lost income.

On top of that, I took more time off to help a friend with their own personal health crisis. Which is where my patience was tested. My friend was not the problem. I will not get into details, for their privacy and general courtesy for all involved. I don’t see the point in publicly shaming someone in this particular situation.

Details aside, I learned things about myself and have found I’m quite proud of those discoveries. I found that I’m willing to stand up for a friend and protect their freedom to choose, and their basic autonomy. I found that I could withstand mental intimidation and childish retaliation and respond with maturity and a sense of calm and rationality. That’s not to say I didn’t feel anger, because I was beyond angry, but I didn’t act on it and I am glad I did not.

I was deeply invested in maintaining my friend’s freedom and autonomy, probably because it’s something many of us in the chronic illness community lose for many reasons. Sometimes, it can’t be helped. But when another person over-steps their bounds and threatens, needlessly, someone else’s freedoms that makes me extremely upset. I believe that people are healthiest when they’re given the chance to be responsible for their own lives, decisions, and bodies. I’ve seen people thrive once they had full control over these things.

Additionally, no one can grow or learn if they only take other people’s advice or orders; if you did not make the decision yourself there is always the question of “would it have turned out better if I’d done it my way?”. People typically learn better when they experience consequences for themselves, instead of listening to the consequences another experienced. This isn’t to say that we should all go and do things someone else has found to hold undesirable consequences; advice should be listened to and other people’s viewpoints taken into consideration. But don’t forget to form your own opinions. Trust your gut, your heart, and your mind, while also listening to the opinions of multiple people and sources to form your own opinions.

Whether it’s your healthcare, or your personal life, or your career or education, your decisions are your own and no one can (and no one should) take that away from you. The very few exceptions are if you are directly harming another person, or yourself, or if your own mental illness has made reality very…. cloudy. But even in these circumstances, there are people who have the training and the knowledge to assist and whom we give this authority to, and there are people who do not.

I know a lot of this depends on the situation and which person is trying to take away the free choice of another. In my own situation I asked for advice from multiple people and I stood by what I strongly felt was right. I will never regret that.

I’m back to work now and excited to start the new school year soon. I hope I’ll be able to bring you all more content and that we all have a low stress week. Thanks for reading!

Stress, Reviews, and Trying New Things

I don’t want to talk too much about how my life was this past week. Sometimes I just want my privacy, and this week had too much in it that was very private and personal. I was stressed out and sad and I did not know how to cope some days except to just do my own thing. This involved enjoying a lot of my hobbies: knitting, reading, video games, coloring, writing, and playing music (and of course, sleeping).

I watched a lot of movies, and listened to podcasts, and audio-books. If you’re interested in audio-books, “The Chronicles of Saint Mary’s” are excellent. Well narrated, and well written, funny, and interesting. Podcasts that are good are “Terrible, Thanks for Asking”, and “Things You Should Know”. I’m a huge fan of the thriller and horror movie genres, especially supernatural ones.

I watched Stonehearst Asylum, which, in my opinion is phenomenal. It brings the idea of what exactly qualifies as mental illness, and the proper treatment of it, as well as just has an interesting and thrilling story. In the very early days of organized treatment of mental illness, asylums were where everyone was thrown. There were a lot of misconceptions and cruelty was often mistaken for treatment. Stonehearst Asylum was a good display of history (though I wouldn’t count on it being entirely accurate) as well as mystery, action, and a fantastic plot twist.

Lavender was another movie I watched. It’s not for everyone, as it can be frustrating trying to piece everything together. Not to mention it can be a bit upsetting for anyone with some….painful parts of their past or childhood. Without giving it away, proceed with caution before you watch this movie. If you’ve had trauma as a child, or are triggered by violence or any kind of assault/violation of space or comfort, this is most likely not the movie for you.

I also spent my time trying my hand at learning the guitar again. I enjoy teaching myself new things using books and YouTube. I played a song I’ve been trying to figure out, and I think I did alright. You can check it out on my channel (with a clip of the original linked in the description) Lock, Stock, and Spoonies (the YouTube version here). I’m still trying to get it perfect but I’ll have to figure out more guitar skills first.

If you can’t tell, I’m suffering from some writers block. I want to be a supportive voice for people who often don’t get enough support from society, the medical system, the financial system, and sometimes their own friends and families. But I also want to put my own creativity, personality, and art, out into the world, and some days that’s hard. Partly because that’s hard in general, putting a piece of yourself out for people to judge. Partly because some days I struggle with exhaustion, or depression, or just being damn stressed out so much so that I can’t remember an entire month of my life, or an entire human being who was a good friend to me in high school (Seriously. I couldn’t remember her and it was both embarrassing and painful to realize I’d forgotten huge chunks of my life due to mental illness), and those things make being creative, AND brave enough to post that creativity, difficult. I hope that I have more days that are better and that make me feel confident and strong, but lately I’ve had days that made me feel not so great.

That’s the kind of days everyone has, and being a Spoonie, they’re more common. I’m exhausted and struggling to make sure I take care of myself, and remember important events. My social life has been put on hold for a bit, and that’s okay. Sometimes my health, and healing have to come first. But let’s hope that soon, I’ll be able to put out more easy to read or watch content.